How to Say ‘No’ Without Feeling Guilty

Saying no is personally one of the hardest things I’ve had to learn to do. I know it sounds so stupid, but I can never say no because I always feel guilty for letting people down.

However, as I’m sure anyone would know, saying yes all the time and not creating certain boundaries with people is very hard. You feel guilty, let them down, are overworked – no one’s happy. You also end up feeling overwhelmed and in time, resenful. You turn into a people pleaser (not good) and before you know it, you’re doing everything for everyone else and not for yourself (does that make sense?!) I know some people may laugh; after all, saying the word ‘no’ only requires opening your mouth and uttering a syllable; however, this is a great problem for some.

Saying no is important for many reasons. First of all, you need to create boundaries with people. Saying yes all the time could make your peers lose respect from you and take you for granted. Just because you say no once in a while to your friend doesn’t mean the friendship is over, right? Sometimes you just don’t feel like doing what the other person suggests!

I remember having someone calling me up at obscene hours every night when she was going through a breakup. I would still pick up because I wanted to be there for her, but I could’ve just said no to phone calls after midnight. Instead I would wake up the next day feeling resentful towards her, and not to mention – freakin’ tired!

Whether it’s saying no to a close friend, a complete stranger or your boss, here are some ways to say ‘no’ nicely – after all, I think the only reason why saying no is so hard is because you want to be ‘nice’ and you don’t want to feel guilty. But it’s seriously time to set some boundaries before you go crazy. From a former people pleaser, here are my tips – safe to say I think I’ve finally learnt how to say no, minus the guilt.

1. Be polite but firm.

There’s not need to scream and throw a tatrum like a kid and scream “nooooooo!”. Keep your voice firm, but remember to be polite, too. Being firm also shows that you are not likely to change your mind, so the other person will probably leave you alone and not want to pressure you. Example:

• “Want come to Mexico with me and my boyfriend?”
• Do: “Oh that sounds like fun! I’d love to, but that’s really not possible.”
• Don’t: “Um, OK, sure. Oh, um actually I don’t know. Oh, actually, fine. I’d love to be a third wheel.”

2. Close the conversation.

The first thing to remember is that when saying no, there needs to be a ‘close’ in your answer, so there is no questions needed to ask. Especially the whole guilt-trip thing! Example:

• “Can you drive me to the airport at 5am? Ooh, and could you pick me breakfast on the way?”
• Do: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. I have a full day’s work to go to and need my sleep. Sorry.”
• Don’t: “Oh, um, I don’t know. It’s so early and I have work the next day. Hmm. Don’t know. I’m sorry, I can’t. Ah, I’m sorry, I really don’t know.”

So remember, always ‘close’ your answer, and make sure there’s a ‘finale’. And don’t be over apologetic, either. They might sense your guilt and try to pressure you. You see the ‘Don’t’ example above? My goodness, “I don’t know” was like my catchphrase. The thing with phrases like that is that the person will continue to ask, since they obviously want something from you. So make sure there is no room for discussion!

3. Exit.

After saying no, remove yourself from the situation, just in case the guilt sets in and you change your mind – which will only hurt you in the future, since that person knows they can play on your guilt. They may also think that your ‘no’s eventually become your ‘yes’” and that’s never good. Too much expectations, pressure and stress. Who needs that?

To summarize: 1) keep your voice firm but polite, 2) ‘close’ your answer, and then 3) remove yourself from the situation. But what should I say? You ask. Good question. I never knew what to say, until I saw an article ‘ways’ to say no in Glamour magazine earlier this year! It was a sign, surely.

What do I say?

Sometimes you want to say no, but you just don’t know how. ‘No’ sounds so mean, doesn’t it? Luckily, there are ways to be firm and polite to dismiss something or someone. Adding a ‘sorry’ before saying no always works, too! Here are ways to say no politely:

• “I’m sorry, I cannot fit that into my calendar as of now.”
• “I’m not comfortable with that.”
• “I’m going to have to pass.”
• “It’s not the right time for me, sorry.”
• “Sorry, I have some prior engagements to attend to.”
• “I’m sorry, I told my family I’d spend more time with them.”
• “I don’t want to say no, but I have to.”
• “I don’t want to say yes and let you down, so it’s a no from me.”
• “I’m sorry, I can’t do this right now.”
• “Not this year.”
• “Sorry, not right now.”
• “I can’t say yes.”
• “I made a resolution to say no more often.”
• “I’d love to, but I just don’t have the time.”
• “You caught me in a bad moment, sorry but I can’t speak right now.”

Further help:

Here are some excellent articles on the topic online, especially saying no in the workplace.

• How to say no from Get More Done.
• How to say no to people making demands on your time by About Stress
• 20 Ways to Say No at Organizing Online

And like I said earlier, there are books on thie topic for those who really need to learn this ‘skill’! I haven’t read any of them, though, but they all seem very good if you’re interested:

1. The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It — And Mean It and Stop People-pleasing Forever
2. Too Nice for Your Own Good : How to Stop Making 9 Self-Sabotaging Mistakes
3. Civilized Assertiveness for Women: Communication with Backbone…not Bite
4. How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty: And Say Yes to More Time, and What Matters Most to You

At the end of the day, remember: you have the right to say no. It’s your life, and you should do what you want and with who, and no one has the right to pressure you. Saying no relieves stress and allows you be be a but more assertive so you are not walked all over, be it with relationships or at work. No one deserves to be taken for granted and be treated like a doormat!

Those are my tips! Hope they helped. How do you say no? Do you have trouble saying no sometimes?