Since my post on BF’s first anniversary, I have been pretty sick. I mentioned in that post that I had an ‘inner ear virus’ that caused me to get dizzy, feel nauseous, and basically have this sick feeling that I am constantly moving.
To put a long story short, it never really went away after 3 different rounds of medication. During that time, more symptoms cropped up, which lead me to hospital for some tests and me deciding to make some major changes in my life. During this ordeal, I have realized who my true friends are. They say you can really tell who your true friends are in times of trouble, and I have to agree! My doctor also said that one of the reasons why this illness isn’t going away is because of stress, so she asked me what was up and we had a little chat about what was on my mind, which were my disappointment in a few of my friends. She gave me some great advice as well as her own stories and I’m happy to report I am over it and ready to start anew!
It was also so weird how one night during this time I randomly came across a great site, On Simplicity, and scrolled down to find her recent post, Toxic Friends and How to Dump Them. It has inspired me to write my own post and perhaps help other readers who may be dealing with them.
I think toxic friends are a source of stress and unnecessary drama that can affect your happiness, which I believe is the root of true beauty; inside and out.
Identifying the Toxic Friend
Florence Isaacs, author of Toxic Friends/True Friends explained to WebMD.com:
“Friendships are important everywhere, and they have positive things to contribute to all areas of your life. But that means they can also be toxic in any of these areas as well.”
Isaacs explains that a toxic friendship is unsupportive, draining, unrewarding, stifling, unsatisfying, and often unequal. “Toxic friends stress you out, use you, are unreliable, are overly demanding, and don’t give anything back.”
Friendships permeate our lives, having an impact on our careers, marriages, families, children, health, and even our retirement.
These are some of the many ‘types’ and characteristics a of toxic friend could have:
The Gossiper. She thrives on gossip, scandal and drama. She bad mouthes everyone and makes you think what she could be saying about you. You have probably met a lot of these people in high school!
The Wet Blanket/Victim. She only calls you when there is something wrong in her life. In fact, her life motto is ‘Woe is me.’ When it’s all good, you never hear from her. This friend takes you for granted and has appointed you as their personal therapist. You could be having a wonderful day and a phone call from her can bring you down and completely wear you out.
The Envious One. Let’s be very honest – girls are very catty, and most of it steams from insecurity. This is the friend that very subtly criticizes you, makes everything a competition, and even sounds happy when you are having a bad day.
The User. A person who has identified that you have/know something that they want. Whether it is for them to further their career, or as simple as you have a hot brother and she wants to get with him! Either way, this person is just using you for their own benefit and provide absolutely nothing to your life.
Obviously there are many more but I wrote these ones as these are the friends I have been dealing with! Basically, to identify a toxic friend, it is how you feel about them. Here are a few ideas. You:-
- don’t feel comfortable with this person.
- feel ‘down’ about yourself after talking or seeing this person. Either because they insult you, make you feel inferior, question you, or because they are just give off a negative vibe.
- feel anxious and afraid when you see an e-mail or a text message from them, anticipating what they might say/demand from you.
- have this nagging feeling that this person wants something from you and is not genuine. Your gut instinct is always right!
- feel tired, drained, exhausted, defeated, stressed out and generally bad about yourself with this person.
- Still undecided? These questions will help figure out if your friend is doing more harm than good.
Dealing with the Toxic Friend
Got a few people in mind? Now how exactly do you get rid of them? I never want to have enemies or cause conflict with people, so trying to ‘end it’ with them has been the hardest for me. How do you politely rid someone out of your life anyway?
Some people find it very easy – in fact when I asked a friend about this, he said I should just send him a text saying “Please f*** off. Bye.” Haha! Men. Easy for him to say, huh?!
Here are a few ideas you can consider:
Set boundaries.
When you are helping a friend but they are hurting you in the process, nobody is feeling good and nothing productive is happening – this is what happened to me. In general though, you can simply learn to start saying ‘no’. No to 20 phone calls a day about her stupid ex boyfriend. No to insulting anyone in your family. No to calling you last minute and expecting you to drop everything to see her. It is hard, because at the same time you want to be there for a friend but you have to set boundaries or it will eat you alive.
My doctor said something very eye-opening to me. I told her that even though these people treat me like dirt, I can’t just ignore someone in trouble because I feel bad and I have to help somehow. She replied, ’You can’t be everyone’s savior, Renee.’ … And she’s right. For these friends of mine, their issues have been going on for years, yet they are not doing anything about it. At the end of the day, you cannot help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. You will just end up drowning with them. You can help a friend out but you must set boundaries and stick to it – it’s for your own good, and could teach them something in the process.
Speak to them.
This is probably the hardest … If you would like to give this friendship another go, there is no other way to change it then to honestly speak to them about how you are feeling. Stand up for yourself and tell them you won’t take their BS anymore. In middle school, this girl used to slap her friends – including me. She used to slap people if a joke was funny, if she was angry – for example, ‘hey, that was my pen’ – slap! – for any reason, really. Goodness me! I eventually got one my friends who also thought this wasn’t right and we both told her off, and she stopped.
If, once again, they are defensive, blame it on you, become very angry, abusive, etc, then I think it’s best to cut this friendship off. At least you can say you tried.
In some cases though, you may not want to sort it out and just end the friendship completely. In this case, it is best to say as little as possible. A sentence like ‘I do not wish to be your friend anymore’ is pretty to-the-point. It is quite blunt and I find it cruel, but honestly sometimes this is the best way. I’ve had some ‘breakups’ with friends through this method and it has all been clean, amiable ‘splits’. Some people are just simply not meant to get along.
Or, never speak to them again.
This is the coward approach, but none the less, makes its point. I fully get the message that if a friend used to call me everynight to never hearing from her in 3 months, it means the friendship is over. Stop answering calls, block them from all IM programs, and basically vanish into thin air. They will get the message one way or the other – especially if they really were toxic friends; they’d realize it was due to their behavior.
Another way that is relating to this is spending people with you actually like, keeping busy and making new friendships – you will eventually, and naturally start to drift away from this toxic friend and grow apart.
Don’t be a toxic friend yourself!
We all do it sometimes. I definitely am guilty of pouring out my sorrows to a friend a little too often and I am the worse at replying calls, especially text messages. It has made me realize that the friendships I were persuing were with the wrong people and the friendships I left alone are my real friends. Life is a learning process though, so try to be a good friend yourself and have friendships with people who you feel are honest, right, and who you’re happy knowing. When you do meet these special people, cherish them and surround yourself with ‘only the good stuff’!
So what do you think, do you have toxic friends in your life? How do you deal with them? I’d love to hear your stories, so feel free to share them! You are anonymous here. 
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{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }
i have actually had to deal with this a lot because i have this whole “its not nice to judge people” thing so i feel sorry for people.
always a mistake because then you end up having to dis-attach from people!
basically the whole thing comes down to boundaries…you just have to hold your boundaries where you feel comfortable. its really hard to set new boundaries but you have to think of it the same way you would think of breaking a bad habit or ending unhealthy relationships.
Dip – spot on. If we all just knew how to set boundaries earlier then I guess we wouldn’t have to deal with certain things. But we also need to go through this to realize we need to set boundaries in the first place, so all a learning experience, really
Hey beautyfool, i just want to say..I admire you coming out with this article..I too have had some friends who have used me when they only need something..but I just cant find the strength to tell the to go away..maybe i should use your friends advice and tell them to F**K off.
DANIELLE
Danielle – Haha yeah, but you might make some unnecessary drama!
Hey girl. First of all…big hugs to you.
Hope you’re feeling better. =)
I guess all of us have to go through this at least once in our lifetime.
Hey SzeLing, thanks dear! I see like 5% improvement everyday so it’s just sooo slow haha. But at least I’m recovering. Thanks for the sweet e-mail as well. x
Be stress free mate! Live life to the fullest! And and and get over it and get back on track where God wants you to be! cheers girl! Awesome blog!
Haha thanks Raimy! :d
You forget the ‘I want to see you when I have nothing else to do’ ^^ This kind of person says that she is your friend but it’s only her who decides when and where you’re gonna see her (aka : when she is bored) and she doesn’t care if you’re already busy with something else. I think that it is easy to get rid of ‘the user’, i just say to them to go suck the blood of everyone else (For me, they’re vampires, always trying to drain you out of your energy, money or self-confidence..). But the victim, so difficult…I confess that I use the coward technique :$
I hope you’re going to get better soon !!
Krib — Ah yes, I know what you’re talking about, I know someone like that too! Love your “vampire” reference too, basically they just suck out your everything – energy, emotions, I feel tired after talking to some people!
And yeah, coward technique – not the most fun but I guess sometimes it happens naturally too, you are busy and only want to make time for the real friends so eventually you stop talking to the bad ones!
Thanks for your great comment Krib, and yeah, I’m slowly getting better, thank goodness
x
Hey renee!!
man. know how it feels to be in that situation. sucks totally.
thing is: not everyone needs to be a “friend”. you know. the kind that’ll bust you outta jail if need be. it’s okay to have some “kinda-friends”
your breakdown of the toxic friend made me chuckle
“Don’t be a toxic friend yourself!” – best part of the whole article
awwwsomeness. cool to see some non-makeup related posts
haha.
keep well and in touch
alex – unleash reality
Hey Alex,
Yeah I know what you mean about “kinda friends”, but if they treat you like crap too what’s the point, right? Haha. Glad to hear that this non-makeup post is appreciated, as I planned to do more articles like this but wasn’t too sure if it’ll be liked.
Thanks for visiting and and great blog; added to my blogroll
thanks for writing this article, it really opened my eyes about my relationship with my friends. thank you.
You’re welcome, Filzah! So glad it helped.
I made too fast a “friend” out of someone I met through work. This person is living in a halfway house and looking at serious jailtime, having already spend about half of his 30 years in prison for grand theft auto, male hustling, assault and more. I do not know what attracted me to him, but I think it was a sincere desire to help him out by offering him friendship with someone who has not lived his sort of life, and he is a very friendly, attractive, personable little hustler. But almost immediately, he started assuming I would buy him items – expensive, considerable items I have not even bought myself or a relative. I have bought about three items that were too much in value, but cheaper than the exact ones he wanted. I need to get away from him before I feel the damage in my wallet, before he hustles me out of my belongings, and before he takes my car or computer or more. There is no physical relationship, but at first that was his “come on.” I told him quickly that I knew that was not going to happen – but he is hustling me emotionally, not sexually, and he is sloppy about it. Yet, I keep cooperating to too high a degree. I told him to go away, but he came back and apologized then did it all over again. I find that I am weak with him, I sincerely wanted to help him out (but not as a sugar daddy) and now, I just want out. I cant find the energy or words. I saw how weak I was when he came back. I admit that I have been a loner as an adult, and a workaholic, and I do not find his company unpleasant; still, he is 17 years younger than I am. I can’t say my motivations are 100% nonsexual — I’d like to say that, because it isn’t going to happen – I’d be very concerned about diseases, and he obviously isn’t interested in that. I am the easiest “john” he’s ever had to “screw over.” without screwing. It’s ridiculous. I am a professional. However, I am dumbstruck. I am inclined to just cut him off completely, coldly, immediately, and not make myself available again given my weakness for him. Do you agree?
Yeah, you can’t help someone who obviously doesn’t want to help themselves. Obviously this person has many issues in their life and I don’t think you can fix it. Also, as someone who has cheated, manipulated and used people all their lives, it’s safe to say he’s just using you too.
If you’re spiritual, you can pray that he sorts his life out and ‘finds himself’ but since it’s doing so much harm to you, you should cut off all contact and move on.
I wish you all the best, hope it all works out!
Nice article and really relevant to people’s behavior these days.
Great article, kudos on that.
Toxic friends are horrible. But sometimes in a friendship when both sides are being toxic friends to each other, you can’t really blame each other.
It’s not that you are not good or I am not good, it’s just that we need to let go & move on. Simple as that.
Good luck on your friendship & have a good life, da *winks*
Wow I really love your work on here! Your blog is so helpful to so many people out there including myself:) I agree with you that for true beauty inside and out, it’s not only what you eat, what products we use on our face or how much sleep we get but also the people that surround us. If they are negative, then good luck on sustaining beauty and happiness… Great point! It’s been easy for me to let go of a lot of negative people who consume energy. However, there has always been this one person in my life whom i grew up with and it’s a little more difficult trying to “cut them out”. I would say she’s a bit of a draining vampire and if given the chance she could talk for hours daily! (I have tested it before). Getting rid of annoying people daily is easy but what if a person has been there since you were born? How do you cut these people off from your life? it’s a little harder I think. I don’t think you can just be like seee ya laterz! (well some people can) but they should get some explanation no? I have tried to hint it but it’s not use. I have gotten guilt trips and little manipulating ways for me to give in to what she wants me to do and then I feel so shitty after when i think back. In that moment though I feel like I am the bad guy!!!! I am tired of being the nice girl.
Any advice would be nice.
Great advice! I know people like that right this moment.I hear from them when they have a problem because apparently I’m a good psychologist,unpaid that is with no background at college in the subject yet people think I can help them.I have so many of my own problems now like having to move and money that work takes up all my time.
I have new friends now and we get along better than the ones I knew in the past from high school.My new friends and I will talk about problems but we don’t saturate one another with the problems,whereas the high school people NEVER seen to solve their problems and they can’t figure out how to do anything on their own.
My new friends and I are interested in fun things like horse riding,traveling,going to historical sites.
The high school people seem to drudge up sad stuff that happened to them ages ago,or who did what to whom.I’m tired and can’t help everyone all the time.Oh yes and also they call after months and only call when they have a problem.
I’m going thru some pretty intense friend stuff right now with 2 girlfriends ive been friends with for almost 7 years. For the majority of those years I was the 5th wheel to them and their boyfriends and was the lonely loser that would only be wanted if they were bored. I was the butt of every joke and my deepest secrets were spoken about at the dinner table with the rest of her arrogant family.
I only have pleasant memories of what used to be. Everything from my age personality outlook and interests have changed and I feel they are stuck in the past. Ive found a love and a happiness that has showed me the difference between a good and a bad relationship and the way a person is supposed to treat you.And has also given me the power to say i have the right to be fully happy!
They havent picked up on the fact that things have changed between us. They don’t accept the fact that not all friendships are meant to last and I no longer find them fun to be with or funny to watch.
They are harassing me to the point of threatening to let out my most ugliest secrets. Im doing the coward approach because I dont feel strong enough to just say fuck off. ive deleted facebook and am considering changing my number.
I dont know what else I can do to just get them to leave me alone.
When you say harass you, can you be more specific in what they do? It’s hard to let go at times because we feel comfortable in situations that have dragged on a long time and don’t realize we have changed and the compatibility no longer exists. People do it all the time remaining in that “safe zone” whether it’s a job, a partner or a friend.” These people are obviously draining out your energy so for your well-being, what I would first suggest is to stop telling them your secrets in the first place! They are holding this against you from the looks of it making you all chained up. They seem like the type of people that will use your weakness against you to so maybe things will get worse if you tell them how you feel They obviously deserve each other so I think It is best you slowly cutt them off just by telling them you’re busy and avoiding to call them back. If they have the balls (pardon my language) to expose your secretes and harass you they also don’t deserve you respect back a.k.a IGNORING THEM COMPLETELY! Are you obligated to call? Find people who store the energy back in your life and make you feel good about yourself. They just love to steal your power and it’s working the more you stay. Get rid of them quick! Good luck.
Peace & Love,
Ang.
So far as harassing goes… they call constantly to yell and use hurtful words, they text everyday, they put posts on facebook and talk to people i know about me, Im just waiting for when they show up to my house.
And Thats exactly it! they use my weakness against me. After so long of not saying anything thy dont feel like they are responsible in anyway for the deterioration of this friendship. I dont want to fix it I just want to forget them. but they feel they have to punish me for walking away.
Thank you so much. slowly but surely I am finding it in me to let go and get this awful feeling inside of me out for good!
You will only fix things that you care about. This friendship has already deteriorated. If you cringe at the thought of them texting or calling then forget it, this is not a friendship. Don’t feel guilty that you’re a bad friend because i’v gone through that since many of my friends had high demands from me like calling back when I hate talking on the phone. If it’s an emergency I just say now, call the police lol. I’m very firm with people now and I won’t bend backwards for anyone but myself and my loved ones. Anyways,your friends seem very feisty so to avoid any revengeful actions or whatever, I suggest you make a graceful exit lol No hurt words or anything. You stand on a higher pedestal and your soul is yearning for growth to meet more people while they stay doomed with themselves lol they’ll probably backstab each other one day anyway and come back to you again but you won’t be there! HA! lol Leave now that it’s early. If you need more advice let me know girl.
It’s never been more clear to me then after reading that. You only fix the things you care about, I couldnt have epressed it better myself.
Thank you a millions time! sometimes it takes takes the words of someone not in the situation at all do make you really understand:)
Peace and love to you nice girl!
The worst part about toxic friends I think are the guild trips.
Friend: “But I would do that for youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu”
Me: “well… you’d be wasting your time then:D”
@Jenna:
I’m much older than you and probably older than anyone who has ever visited this site. I was doing a search on friendships, and came across this article and follow-up posts.
Jenna, listen. The next time this group of thugs sends you an unwanted text, email, or phone call, tell them to stop, politely. Keep it calm. Then document this by printing off the emails, texts, etc which shows how you’ve reasonably requested no contact.
If they don’t stop, get a restraining order. Every city has an office that handles these things.
The harassment you’re experiencing is against the law. You should be able to easily get a restraining order against these little beasts. I’m not sure what private information they have that you’re concerned about, but getting a restraining order is an extremely humiliating experience that will stay on their records forever.
Take good care of yourself.
Very helpful article. I have recently gone through a “break up” with a toxic friend. The trouble is she is very vindictive and pissed off because I chose to quit being her doormat, and whenever I run into her somewhere (school events, etc.) it is very awkward. I have tried to be cordial with her, but she is the type that if I can’t be her best friend, then I am her enemy. I don’t want to be enemies, but she is forcing that situation.
Anybody have any similar situations they could share? I have no idea how to deal with this person…or should I just ignore her when I see her in public?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I’m sorry i get so frustrated with these situations but when the crap did friendship have obligations and strict rules? A friend doesn’t have to be there 24/7. A friend is there to share good memories with and talk about life at times or when you need a shoulder to cry on once in a while…(I REPEAT ONCE IN A WHILE) lol but some people abuse this and misunderstand the true meaning of friendship. Im not saying there’s a right or a wrong way but there is a way that works for you best. The one thing I can say is if your feeling pressure and threatened then your dealing with a bully. Not a friend!
I would just tell her to dip. Leave gracefully and keep mentioning slowly that your busy with school or your mom or boyfriend (they hate those). Your not the one that’s weird. Your too nice girl! If you have it up to here and want to tell her straight up, I would just say “If I have to choose all or nothing with you then it’s going to be nothing because I can’t give you my all. Sorry! Lets stay acquaintances yahhhh?:)”
Much love and luck.
Thanks for your advice, Nice Girl. I’m gonna try my best to get rid of her! I have friends who DO treat me decent, so why should I waste my time on that selfish witch?!
Hello,
I am doing a piece of coursework on “toxic friendships”, does anyone know any other names for toxic friendships, other than friend poaching and where I can find any research into toxic friendships. I need to know why we decide to be friends with these people and how much these toxic friendships can actually change our lives.
Would be really grateful if anyone knew any of the answers to these questions.
Hey Nikkie,
I’v always battled with this question too and I have some Ideas on “why”. Oh yes, and another name for them would be energy vampires or just plain leeches. LOL Anywhoo, Iv always struggled with this one person my entire life. She was very controlling and manipulative. What’s worst was that she was not just a friend but a family friend so I would eventually bump into her after our mini fights and here I go back again with the negative and draining cycle. That is, until I grew some (ehem) balls and told her to scram as I got older and less stupid. However, this relationship did teach me to notice the same pattern in others so I can stay away and it helped me to warn others too! Iv helped like 2 or 3 friends stand up for themselves so far with a toxic friend. It’s funny now, because I can usually tell who would be toxic just from their Aura and the structure in their face. So really, I thank that person in my life for making me more wise and intuitive. I also believe in past lives and that these people might come to us because we have unfinished business from another life. Ya never know really! Maybe we tortured them? But still…it don’t mean you gotta stay haha. Again with the whole Aura concept. Some people just have a darker aura and need some light. So they feed off of it when they meet us because they start feeling good all of a sudden and that they can take some power from us. Meh! those are my little ideas so far. Hope I helped:) Good luck!
Do people who give you the silent treatment also classify as toxic friends?? Please help !! Am so disturbed over my “toxic?” friend..?
I met this guy 1.5 years back at work. He was the one who first approached me and wanted to get to know me. Initially I was reluctant, however, time passed by and I really felt like I connected with him and we became friends. As time went by, he was giving me all the signs of being in love with me (like sending a romantic love poem and flirting with me while we are chatting) and I started to fall in love with him. As we both come from 2 different religious backgrounds I knew that marriage would not be possible. One day I just blurted out to him, that I can’t stop thinking about him and I love him but I’m scared that there may not be any future. He listened to me and told me to give him some time to reply. The next day he told me that he thought of me only as a friend and has no feelings for me. I was shattered and I cried the whole night. The following day at work he sent me a very romantic song with lyrics that went like “you have given me a lot of pain that only you can cure and so on and so forth”. It was in a language that I couldn’t understand(Hindi) and he asked me specifically if I understood the lyrics. I replied that I didn’t understand. Time passed by after that (around 7 months) and we were good friends. We used to go out together and so on. He used to ping me daily and send mails etc. But always I felt he never opens himself to me. It’s always I who talks openly to him and tells him my feelings and so on. He is very quiet, most of the times. (I know deep down that maybe he has an inferiority complex about himself. It never bothered me because all I wanted to do was to make him happy.)
As I mentioned we used to spend time with each other, going for movies, dinners, etc, during which times I used to feel that he actually had some feelings for me. Things were fine except that whenever we go out together, he used to keep majorly checking out other women all the time and telling me that “hey ..this girl is cute,that girl is cute” and so on. Though it didn’t affect me initially I started feeling that maybe he does not love me or find me attractive. Hence, eventhough I was still good friends with him, I started going out with another guy, whom my friend didn’t like at all. He got so angry that he stopped speaking with me for 4 months. I sent him so many mails, called him so many times, but he never picked up. Finally after 4 months he replied to a message I sent on Facebook. He said that we can give it another shot at being friends. I was ecstatic and I agreed!!
After that we used to go out only occasionally (mostly I initiate it ) he doesn’t ping me or mail me like before. When I pointed out to him that he has to open his mouth and talk to me, if we were friends. He said that he just been busy lately. And out of the blue one day he invited me over to his place to watch a movie with him. That day he kissed me and touched me very passionately. Being already In love with him, I could hear the angels sing. ? He cooked lunch for me and then at the end of the day he came and left me home. The problem is after that, again after that is his unbearable silence. He has not contacted me or mailed me. It’s been 2.5 weeks since that day and he has still not contacted me. Most of the times I feel like I’m just spending my time waiting for him. I don’t know what to do!! Do you think I have waited long enough for him and I should just move on..? what should I do, should I continue being friends with him or shd I just cut him from my life..?
Oh my goodness Nicola… I’m sorry this has happened to you. Two words: DITCH HIM. He sounds like bad news.
Yes Renee..I know deep down that I’m not going anywhere with this guy and I just have to let him go and move on..:(
Wow, sounds like a typical young male syndrome.
You are right though with some of the points you mentioned. You know the truth deep down. It wouldn’t work down the road so he’s Mr. Right…now! As I was reading, this guy sounds like a few boys i’v come into contact with…
1. He has Insecurity issues
2. He’s young and is confused with what he wants
3. He is scared of commitment so he stays in the “friends zone” to leave things open.
4. He likes what he can’t have
I can tell this guy needs to fill some void because he probably didn’t receive love from one of two parents or both. So, he is the truth and it’s very simple. He does have feelings for you but he’s going to drive you nuts with his complexities. He came back to tell you he didn’t have feelings because you told him how you feel but he only heard “it won’t work down the road”, part so to be “the man” and have the upper hand in the scenario, he comes back with an even worse reply that will crush you even more. It’s the ego at work. Don’t get so confused with what he says and follow your gut. With so much training and observing the male over the years, Iv come to notice it’s just an act they put on. But still, this is boys we’re talking about and not real men. I am just making this clear. It’s totally up to you though and how you feel. You can keep him as a friend and go through these beautiful feelings but block his way of hurting you and at the same time have your eye for someone new (which takes a lot of strength) OR if your feelings are way to strong and you can’t function, you need to move on even if it’s loosing him as a friend. See it as an experience and look forward to your growth.
Honestly, I know you might care but it might save you time and tears for the long haul. You can’t be friends with someone you are in love with unless you are both willing to be in the relationship. Don’t put so much work into it if he’s being a lazy ass. Remember, it takes two to tango! Please take it from someone who’s been in these games since 16 years old. I am now 23 and I regret being caught up in this dudes web for the past 6 years. It really keeps you from seeing any opportunities so, get rid of this dude fast. You might use the phrase, “well, I haven’t met anyone better so far”, but that’s only because you’re blinded by him. You need to get closure by letting him know it won’t work and cut him loose. He’s going t try and make you stay by being all enchanting and passionate with you and you will always fall back but then the misery begins. Just saying…I know how this works. It’s going to be a “yo-yo” relationship. You should also take a look about what you want. Maybe you are scared too? It goes both ways.
Good Luck!
Nice girl.. just reading your post makes me feel so much better..u can really understand whtat I’m talking about..
and what you mentioned is soo true..especially the part abt him driving me nuts with his complexities..Thank you so much for the support..I think I’ll sleep better tonight..:)
I am very happy to have helped you out. You are not alone in this you must know, so rise above the problem and tell the woman that’s emerging within that things will turn out for the better. Challenges happen in order for awakening to come about. You are learning what YOU want as well so everything is happening in perfect timing. Just accept what life throws at you. If you can deal with it, great! If there is no hope…farewell my friend, farewell! If you need more advice, drop me a line any time girl!
Most importantly, get your beauty sleep:)
Hi Renee,
I found both comfort in reading your artical as I just went through this with my bestfriend of 5 years. I got engaged in December of 2009 to my boyfriend of 6 years, I asked my bestie to be my MOH in the wedding which she was totally ‘excited’ about.. Though thinking back now, to when I first asked her, something different pops into my mind that wasn’t her being happy for me moving forward into a new stage in life.. “It feels like i’m loosing my bestfriend.” were her exact words. She has always been the type to jump from boyfriend to boyfriend, sleep with random guys (who often, have girlfriends) and have this need for attention for any guy, anywhere (always wanting what she couldn’t have and once she got them…moving onto the next person).. I on the other side have always been a loyal girlfriend with a the same guy for a long time.
In January of 2010 she introduced me to a guy she was interested in.. He was a nice guy but she had already slept with and dated 2 of his close friends. She decided right then she was going to try and make this one work and in April of 2010 they started dating… and the ditching began..
She actually left myself and another friend in her car for over an hour and a half while she “went in to say goodbye to her boyfriend” and when she came back to the car and myself and the other friend were clearly annoyed.. she said “it was only 15 mins.” These types of situations continued on for months until finally I decided I would stop making plans with her as she always ditched or could only offer me 20 mins of her time before jetting back to be with her boyfriend. In July of 2010 she told me that myself and my now, husband that we better get on trying to have kids because herself and her BF were going to start trying… My response was “Why dont you get to know eachother first.. you have only been together since April.” I decided in July, I was going to get a psychic reading.. I knew I didn’t want to ask about my friendship with her because I wasn’t ready to accept that it needed to be over. When I had my reading the psychic looked at me and said “You’ve got a bestfriend that needs a swift kick in the ass, she doesn’t treat you well and shes going to continue to hurt you until you cut off contact with her.. Shes not happy for you and she doesn’t want good things for you and shes trying to rush things with a guy in her life to try and ‘catch up’ with you.”.. I was completely disturbed by this ‘advice’ that I didn’t ask for and decided I was going to be more aware of how I was being treated and say something rather than just brushing it off. Ditching and bad treatment continued up until September 2010, when she told me she was pregnant.. I guess because I didn’t pop a bottle, light a cigar and drop off a diaper tower.. I wasn’t happy for her in her eyes.. Though I cried for her and said I was happy I still asked her what any good friend would.. “What are you going to do?” (She lives at home with her parents struggling to make ends meet. infact she was crying 2 weeks prior to this that she didnt have enough money to make her car payment for the month).. I was concerned as any good friend would be. After 2 weeks of attacking txt msgs from her accusing me of not being happy for her I decided to ignore her.. She then went to her family and had them attack VIA facebook.. making nasty posts about me and status updates.. (her sister, who is 25 yrs old went so far as to say she was going to one punch me and her 50 year old mother went on to support that comment).. I deleted all family members off of my FB except her.. Hoping that maybe we could just be civil to eachother, say hi when we see eachother but not be bestfriends like we once were. With my wedding quickly approaching I knew that I no longer would be paying for her trip to my destination wedding and moved on asking my younger sister to stand up for me instead. She continued to try and contact me VIA txt msg and so one day in Dec 2010 I gave her the option to meet with me and we could try to talk it out and say what we needed..”Im busy”.. she wanted to talk but she was too busy.. She was just so busy that this friendship she was crying over all the time wasn’t important enough to leave her boyfriends side and meet with me for half an hour.. She also said that herself and her boyfriend didn’t understand why I stopped talking to her..(of course he doesn’t know why.. he doesnt know she ditched my graduation from college to go see him or my sisters graduation that she agreed she would go to.. or all the shopping trips, coffee dates, lunch dates and everything in between she had bailed on combined with her lack of help, excitement and enthusiasm with her bestfriends wedding) I do think he must know about the bitchy status updates about me and her sisters and mothers invovlement in the whole situation. In March 2011 I got married and had a beautiful wedding… The next day I woke up.. got on FB and deleted her feeling she didn’t need to see photos from my wedding.. It was the first time I finally decided I was ready to move on.
Since ending my friendship with her all of my relationships with other friends and family members as well as my new husband have improved so much.. I’ve had many people come to me and say how glad they are I am not friends with her anymore.
I am not the type of person that likes any fighting or bad blood between people.. I would almost rather brush it off than deal with it. After 5 years in a toxic friendship.. I am finally able to see the light and now know I am so much better off not being friends with this person. I do have days when I really miss her and want to contact her again but I have to continue to remind myself of all the hurtful things she did to me.
Sorry for the long post.. (I skipped a lot of details, I swear)
Elle,
Wow it is a good thing you let that go. The friendship was unbalanced. Clearly you were putting in more effort. I am still so shocked about what the psychic said. Just wondering if you can tell me where she is located! haha. I may drop by for a reading! That’s why they are good because you don’t have to ask the question. They just see the issue bothering you! Well, at least you had a man by your side. Try having a best friend act like your boy-friend! Now, that’s wierd haha
Nice Girl,
I was so shocked by my reading as well!.. Such an eye-opening experience. (also my first reading)
The reading I had done by this Lady has been 100% accurate, so far. I also was able to get a recorded tape of our reading and I have since gone back to listen to it serveral times here is the link to her site… http://www.aukeera.com I live in her city so I did an in-person reading however, I know she does do over the phone readings as well.
Unbalanced- right on the money!… A lot of taking.. No giving.
I think what disgusts me the most is her families involvement.. I never once brought anyone else into our situation yet, her adult sister and her mother got right in the middle acting like 13 yr old bullying girls.
Ah, some peoples kids.
Elle,
I totally get what you mean. I really hate the family pressure and I had it on both sides hers and mine since this person was pretty much a family friend. But, you gotta do what’s right for you because in the end your her friend and others just go about minding heir own lives until the next drama. It’s just sad, people want to be a part of something because they are so bored. Just be firm and positive and don’t give in to the fights. Say you both we’ll deal with it and it’s no one else’s business. Your life should be much better without her. It wasn’t a true friendship. It sounded like a competition but the only person playing was her. You prolly felt so suffocated. I hope you are happier now!
Thanks for the website;)
I disagree that, in the case of toxic people, deciding never to speak to them ever again and acting on it is cowardly. Especially when those same toxic people make it their mission to destroy somebody’s life because of jealousy, chronically deplete the energy and self-esteem of the people that are trying to support them and help them, and are too self absorbed to see that they are doing so. We can’t always end potentially abusive friendships/relationships “nicely” or in a civil manner, especially when on some level the toxic person knows what they’re doing and is a master manipulator. Not every situation that involves toxic friendships/relationships is the same and labeling potential solutions/protection measures with negative connotations such as “cowardly” does not help anyone nor solve the problem.
I am going thru the same thing right now.. I have been ignoring her for days now but she keeps texting me and calling trying to figure out why I am ignoring her. I know I should tell her but I just dont know how. She uses me and everyone around her for everything. She isn’t helping her self make a better life and I dont want to live like that anymore. I want a better life and I know I can get it if shes not in my life. I hate it because I enjoy helping others but its hard when they don’t want to help themselves and just want to use me for everything.
Allison,
You must weigh your options. If you feel like something can be worked on in this friendship then fix it. Nothing is evever perfect. However, if the person is dragging you down with them, number one that’s selfish and yes, they are using you inorder to feel better about themselves and secondly it’s a drain of energy for both. It’s a toxic friendship because you are not “feeling” it so you’ll be doing her a favour and maybe giving her the opportunity to soul search. It is dangerous to remain friends with the feelings you are carrying. It happens everyday. Kinda like romantic relationships. It also depends how long you were friends. You can just ignore her or you can tell her you no longer feel you value the same things and you lost things in common. You are growing. Good for you!
How do you get rid of a toxic friend if my eight year old child is her child’s best friend?!!
@Sam
I am curious. How did you realize that this friend is toxic to your daughter and what are some of the things she has done? The most you can do is ask your child how she is feeling with this friend and guide her for taking appropriate steps. Not to be aggressive but assertive. If you tell off her friend for her, she might not be able to stand up and deal with similar situations in the future. Let her stand her ground even though she is young. She will come across many people like that in her lifetime. The best is to start early!
“Or, never speak to them again.
This is the coward approach”
No. This is the best thing you can do rather than listen them trying to justify thier bullshit and rekindlle the friendship with a pack of lies and deceit. They won’t change so it is pointless listening to them. Why would you want to listen to a toxic friend’s bullshit or waste more pointless time with thew anyway.It also gives you a good feeling that you are treating them with the contempt they showed you.
Wow, I’m glad I found this article. i was dumped by this friend years ago and she contacted me last year through FB.. She would constantly talk about going out and then cancelled, but I understood since she was going through alot with a son who was recovering from cancer. Finally, after a year of cancellations we went out three times.
I would not hear from for a month or so or she would deactivate her FB account not telling me because she was mad at some guy she was “seeing” if you could call it that. I would think she defriended me till she told me one day when I finally asked. I got used to her fits of doing this.
She posts pics of all the swimming parties she’s had at her house and not once was I ever invited. it was only when she was mad at some guy friend she would want to go out somewhere and then she would be sulky all night.
The last straw was yesterday when I saw I was being manipulated. She wanted to come over and watch movies so we could talk, and then started getting around to bringing some man to my house I don’t even know, and she never even mentioned before. I can only figure out she wanted to take pictures to post on her wall like she did the last time we were out so her male friend would see the photos of her posing with men (gay friends by the way, but he doesn’t know this) and get jealous like he did last time. She used to keep me online reading walls of the women she thinks he was seeing and asking me what I thought. She thinks every woman in the general area where he lives is after him, and is a “skank” or one of his “whores”.
I texted her and told her I couldn’t have any company I was busy and had to work late that night. She is on FB all night and sleeps all day while I have to work.
It’s partly my fault for boosting her up everytime like I’m her therapist. Not anymore. After an anxiety attack this morning over all her drama, enough is enough. She was exactly like this 12 years ago, and I can’t help someone like this who won’t help themselves. At 51, she isn’t going to change. There’s alot more to her complex life situation, but it’s too long to go into. I’m done.
To Cathy,
You are right at 51 she won’t change. I am curious how old you are as well? And let me tell you, toxic can have a certain on your mood or energy levels and annoy you, but if it came to a point where the woman gave you an actual anxiety attack, then you’ve got a mental serial killer on the loose! LOL I would have ran away long time ago. No one should make you feel that way. You were a Nice Girl like I was. You bent over backwards and forgot to do a favour for yourself. She drained your energy. It’s not that she’s scared of every girl…she’s scared of the guy and most importantly scared of herself. She is insecure in her own body. With so much negativity, and I don’t wish any disease on anybody but she probably made herself sick! You need to let her deal with her issues. You do your own thing.
Good luck and repeat a daily affirmation to yourself: ” I am a beautiful soul and I deserve to be around positive like minded people such as myself.”
Hi, Nice Girl,
I’m 46 years old. You hit the nail on the head, she isn’t comfortable in her own body. It’s a shame, because she’s had numerous plastic surgeries, and still hates herself, and is constantly fishing for compliments, and I used to always boost her up.
I think she’s noticed the change in me right away, and texted me to call her. So I did and explained to her again, no, I don’t want to go out tonight, I’m tired after a long work week and want to spend time with my baby girl. I had a second baby almost two years ago. When you go out with this woman all she does is text on her phone. I never saw a person so addicted to texting for hours.
She then texted me again, and asked, “Are you mad at me”? I guess she’s in shock, because I didn’t accommodate her and actually told her “no”.
thanks for responding. You’re so right, most people wouldn’t put up with it, and I won’t anymore. If she dumps me again, it’s no big loss. I only hear from this woman when she’s going through a personal crisis with a man, and for some reason, she thinks I have the answers when I haven’t dated in 20 years and consider myself an old married woman..lol
Cathy,
Good for you! I am only 24 and I feel the way you do with the dating. You’re the type of person who values meaningful relationships and likes when the universe takes its course to make you fall in love or anything else. Dating can feel like interviews at times. I think its forcing something to be honest and it seems very superficial to me. That’s just my opinion! Of course she feels even worst now after plastic surgery. She was trying to feel a void the whole time by “fixing” herself but only realized now or is realizing, it’s the inside what shines through to make you beautiful and it’s eating her alive. Surgery causes more issues in the long run with self esteem because if someone doesn’t like you, then you start wondering if it’s the surgery or the personality? Would he have liked me before the surgery maybe?. SO much thinking! You get worried about DOUBLE. At least, if you had your own unique look you can say to yourself “Meh, What the heck! this is the real me. This is how nature made me so who i’ll come across someone with the same views and likes me for me. At least then, you can focus more on changing some attitude, if it hasn’t been treating you well in the past.
It’s very simple. Both of you have different lifestyles and she probably wonders deep down why you don’t worry about the things she does. Maybe you are in her life to guide or advise her if you somewhat care about the friendship. If not, you are both hanging on to something that has passed and people do change so time to go about with your own life. You’re a mother now so you are on another level she won’t understand unless she’s been there done that.
Hope that helps!