It’s said that your mother can greatly influence your thoughts on your body, appearance and self-esteem in general – especially with mother-daughter relationships (we’re all girls here though, right?). For some, unfortunately, negativity and critism to their looks growing up can create some deep issues when a girl goes into adulthood.
How has your mother influenced your thoughts on your self image? Was it positive or negative? I’m very blessed; I’m very close to my mom and has positively influenced the way I perceive myself. I’d love to hear your stories though, you know how much I love to talk about self image topics. 
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{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
For some reason, I have always had a positive image of myself when my mom has always been negative about it. I guess it was my way of retaliating against her, haha! My dad and my brother, on the other hand, were positive influences on me and the way I see myself. My bro was the one who taught me not to care what others think of me and to always love myself.
My sister-in-law has a negative image of herself and I totally saw why when I met her mother. She’s a gorgeous woman, but her mom always found something negative to say. It makes me a little angry at her mother for shaping her daughter’s self image in a negative way. I mean, this a grown woman I’m talking about. At least I know that she won’t be passing that trait onto her future kids. My bro and me won’t let that happen, haha!
Hey Tammy, glad to hear you had two strong male influences in your life!
It is very sad about your sister in law, what makes a mother say that to a daughter, someone she supposedly love? Very strange. Sadly, it could be her own mother was like that to her so she thinks that’s how to show love. It’s a sad cycle
My mom was not one of the best. Or even mediocre. When I was 13, I weighed 91 pounds. I could see my spine and ribs, plus the doctor said I needed to gain some weight. She (my mom) told me I was much too fat and put me on a strict diet with vigorous exercise. Finally, I became anorexic. I was hospitalized for months, and when she came to see me, she shook her head and said I was obviously faking. When I was a healthy weight again (at age 17) the homecoming dance came up. I was admiring myself in the mirror in my new dress and and fancy hair and makeup. She looked at me and asked, “What are you so happy about? Stop admiring yourself. You’re so ugly, I’m ashamed.” Luckily, I moved out a year later.
My goodness Elena, I am so sorry to read your story
I admire your courage to ‘get out’ and move out of your house that was the source of so much unhappiness and pain. How are you doing now? Is your mother in your life still? And what about your eating disorder? I hope you’re OK, I’ll be happy to hear how you’re doing. And if you ever need to talk you can always e-mail me. I know I’m a stranger but you can always come to me if you’d like. All the best Elena 
My mother is no longer in my life; I’ve decided to cut her out completely. My eating disorder is long gone, and my life is much happier. Thanks for asking.
I admire you for going through what you did! You are a very strong woman and an inspiration, I’m very glad to hear you are well now, Elena.
I wish you all the best!
Elena,
I regognize myself and my mother in your comment.
I also have eating disorder and self esteem lake from the way my mother was and is still talking to me, she’s always telling me I’m so ugly and comparing myself to other girls she things are more beautiful than I am. I needed a lot of time to realise she was just jalous of my youth and my beauty, that I destoy day after day because of her by autodestuction.
Once, when I was deep in a nervous break down and struggled in bulimia crises everydays, near to suicide, she told me she didn’t understood that a man could still love me now that I am so fat and ugly! He, the man she’s speaking of, thinks I’m not that fat and I’m not ugly at all and do not even understand why she keeps telling me that. I’m really in need of a therapy now, coz I’m so affraid to do the same to my future children, even if I make everthing for this to never happen.
She ruined a big part of my life directly from the roots, but I decided not to let her ruine everything! I worth it!
Renée your blog is delightful!
Btw, excuse my english, I didn’t practice for a while!
I too am lucky to have an amazing relationship with my mom, but not so lucky that I wasn’t handed down her weight and body image issues. I think the first time I ever thought I was fat was when I was 5 years old. Isn’t that crazy? I feel like I was almost born with the issues, but I know it was obviously a nurture thing and not nature.
This is such a big issue with a lot of women, and I always wonder what my relationship with my body would be like if my mom hadn’t been there at every meal telling me to not eat that and to not drink this. It’s just one of those things, I always wish I could be free from it, but it’s always there.
I’m sorry to hear that, iCandy. Fat at 5 years old? Sigh
I hope things are OK now though, please let me know. Is your mom still making remarks about being ‘fat’?
And I agree, this is such a big issue for women… I’m no psychologist but our mothers are our first role models (good or bad, whether we like it or not) and it’s impossible not to be affected by your mother’s words, behavior and how you were raised def affects your personality and issues.
Thankfully as I grew up I was able to teach my mom a thing or two about beauty and self-esteem! I think I showed her she is beautiful no matter her size, and over the years she has stopped trying to control me and protect me from what she perceives to be a problem.
It’s hard not to pass things on like that to your kids, especially moms to daughters. Now that I’m older, in fact as old as my mom was when she had me, I can look back with more sympathy towards her and what she did. I see clearly now that the way she treated me and tried to restrict me directly stemmed from her pain as a chubby kid and teen, but all she did was create a problem when there was none, and even though I forgive her and love her, it still hurts and even though she doesn’t say anything about my weight or my body, now that voice is inside me.
Obviously I (and many others) could say so much about this topic, maybe I’ll post about it
. But if there are mothers reading take note!
Hey,
Yup, I agree with you – it’s seem to be a cycle and I’m sorry to hear what has happened to both you and your mom. I am happy to hear you do not carry resentment and have forgiven your mother. It sucks but forgiveness is the best way to move on. Kudos to you! Hopefully if you have a daughter you will know what to do to break this cycle. I know if I ever have a daughter I’d try my very best to instill a positive self image to her, because yep, like you said mothers and daughters have a special relationship and it is not hard for certain issues/values/ideas to be passed on.
If you ever do post about it, do let me know. I’d love to read
I am one of 5 siblings growing up!!! My mom never had time for anything or anyone! She had her hands full just running the household and putting food on the table! I guess you can that that’s a good thing because I don’t have any issues about my weight or my looks! I just figure that if anyone has a problem with my weight and looks then that’s their problem!!!!!!!
Hey Ruth, that’s great to hear!
You seem like a very strong woman and I admire that. And you’re completely right – if anyone has a problem with your looks, it’s their problem! 
Hey!!!
It’s not only girls that read your blog you know
Hehe. I can’t really give much input to this post, my mom has always been very positive and supportive of me and the things I do, So I’m happy with that. For me , kids at school were a much bigger influence on my self image, and pretty much up until the end of highschool i had the idea I was average or even slightly ugly and girls didn’t like me because of that.
Until I started going out, and discovering I was not as ugly as I thought, and even surprised when girls started calling me good-looking.
Strange how people can influence someone and get them to believe something which isnt true
Have an awesome week Renee!
Haha sorry Diggy! You know I love that you come here!
I guess guys get their influence some place else. Women def gets it at school too (cough, high school) but I think the first influence is mama dearest.
And that’s crazy you think people are saying you are good looking, something you say ‘isn’t true’. Pffttt I don’t believe it one bit, you are fishing for compliments aren’t you
You’re VERy good looking, you silly boy!
LOL, yeah people dont believe me when I tell that story
Yet its true. But Im just me, thats how I like to see it!
Thanks Renee
My mom’s indian and is a research scientist so growing up, it’s always been more about the “brains” than the beauty. As a kid, I always felt out of place (grew up in a small town full of white people and no other indians at all!) and there I was, a mixed race kid with low self-esteem. I wanted to look as pretty as my blonde hair-blue eyed or those gorgeous brunette/redhead classmates but I was kind of ugly (really, I was… i inherited my deep-set eyes from my mother (so my undereye circles were huge and purple and looked like i hadn’t slept in months), always always sunburned skin peeling off everywhere and was super-nerdy. Plus I was short with a big-sized head so my humongous eyes never looked proportionate with the rest of my body. I basically looked like a zombie anime character (totally serious). I think my mom knew how sad I was because she would always tell me, “when you grow up, you won’t look as weird. Until then, go study!” When I asked her what would happened if I still looked weird when I got older, she said, “oh well. If you were meant to be hideous, well then there’s nothing that we can do about it. Work hard, make a lot of money, and then if you want, get yourself some amazing plastic surgery like those hollywood starlets.” LOL her inspirational speeches are always funny like that. Anyway, when I grew older, my mother was right and I started growing into my looks. After I turned 16, I shot up like bamboo. I grew so tall that the rest of my body fit with my head and my freaky eyes didn’t look so freaky lol. I discovered the magic of concealer and managed to cover those evil undereye circles
I started taking better care of my skin so no more flaky, dry sunburns. And best of all, I still have my knowledge and well-functioning brain, thanks to the encouragement of my mom. From the second I was born, she instilled in me a strong work ethic and she told my sister and I over and over “if you want to succeed in life, you must work hard. looks will only take people so far, and after that, it’s the intelligent ones that actually end up crossing the finish line.” So she’s definitely a positive influence in my life and I’m happy to admit that yes, she is my best friend. Usually when people hear me describe my mother as my best friend, it’s like… yeahhh okay, whatever. But really though, she is. I trust her with my life, I trust her advice for everything, I tell her every single thing that happens to me (work, school, love, etc) and I think that’s what makes us so close. I also have the same bond with my sister, so yay for 2 positive role models in my life! I consider myself incredibly blessed.
Aw Jackie many thanks for your comment!
I guess we all go through that. Like you, my mom and I are very close. I look back at photos of me at my ‘awkward’ age and thank goodness my nose, lips, cheeks, eyes all grew to fit my face a little more better LOL. And you know, makeup helped a good bit
Glad to hear your mom is your best friend and you trust her with everything! That’s very rare but incredible special
i didn’t grow up with my mom, if i did, i wouldn’t have as low a self esteem as i have now….my mom had to go to the US to work because she was a single parent. i lived with my grandma who got a bit too grumpy when my grandpa died…i understand that my grandma was also made to believe she was not beautiful by her mother back in the spanish era (spanish mom, filipino dad)…so she kinda passed it on to me telling me something like this everytime “it doesn’t fit you to be a snob because you’re not beautiful…”
Yikes, so only snobs are beautiful? I’d rather not be a snob then… haha!
I am sorry to hear about your low self esteem and your grandmother being ‘grumpy’ growing up. Very sad to hear it was also done by her mother, which makes it a cycle.
Are you alright now? How is your self esteem now? (I assume you have moved out from your grandmother’s place?) Hope you are well!
well…she passed away and my mom is back in the Philippines. I had to recover from a series of unfotunate events before that. But now that I already have a family and a ever loving and adoring husband, I’m slowly establishing my self esteem again. I think I’m about 75% back on track
. Thanks to women blogs such as yours!
I’m sorry to hear that, Sunmom. My readers are all fighters! I am very glad your self esteem is back on track and that you have a wonderful husband to support you. Thank you so much for your kind words about my blog, I’m really happy to have you here.
I should do more posts on self esteem, then! It seems like a lot of readers who commented here had a hard time growing up 
My mom passed away when I was 7. My dad, however, has been the best role model for me. He taught me that I was unique and beautiful and healthy, and I should not change myself. @Elena That’s terrible! I wouldn’t be surprised if she was abusive as well.
Lola, (BEAUTIFUL name by the way), I am very sorry to hear about your loss.
However, I am also happy to hear that your father has instilled such good values and positivity in your life. He sounds like a great man. 
YOU ARE beautiful and unique! 
My mum makes me think that being fat is fine. As I have been overweight for most parts of my life. But she has never said anything about it.
Hey Jyoan. You’re comment is really interesting to me!
But what you said is a good thing, though, right? Or would you have rather her tell you what she really felt?
hmm well growing up I hated my kinky hair and big nose. Ironically I grew up in a household where my parents enforced loving yourself for who you are but for some reason I had really low self esteem. The strange thing is though, my mom used to be extremely thin and recently gained weight as most women do with age and she keeps calling herself fat. I guess being around that made me fearful of becoming fat one day so I stopped eating to the point where I got sick. Thankfully today I am eating again but I still struggle with my self esteem from day to day. I’m not perfect but I’m taking tiny steps to change
Amber – I am SO sorry for the late reply, I only saw your comment now! Pls forgive me
I am VERY glad you are eating again and are taking steps towards change. It’s hard I know and I hope you have a good support system around you. You could even try seeing a counsellor? I wrote some stuff on self-esteem that you might find helpful:
http://beautyfool.com/how-to-start-building-self-esteem/
All the best
Well, i adore my mum, she has always told me i’m beautiful and that its abbout personalty, rather than looks, however, she has always complained about her itty tittys, and she has passed them down to me,a dn i am very self concious, although my step-mum alwasy says she loves her small boobs and my sister says she loves her small boobs too!! Soo i think your mum’ s outlook on life defianlty passes down to you…
x
Aw Lois I wish you would love them too! I have a flat chest as well and I love it hahah
My mom and I are really close, and she always tells me that she thinks I’m beautiful. I think that’s definitely affected me, and in a positive way. It’s not like I never have days where I feel ugly, it’s just that they’re less often, you know?
I got most of my genes from my mum, but she’s extremely negative about herself. It makes me wonder if she views me in a negative way, but then she said to me once that I didn’t have self esteem issues and I told her that yes, I did. She then told me I shouldn’t because I’m beautiful. Although she’s negative about her appearance, she’s very positive about mine.